Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
