I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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