mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
