Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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