dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
