He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My balls are so social today.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
