Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
