Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
