He kissed a someone with a penis
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My Sexting was not on an AP level
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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