Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My liver just broke up with me...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
