Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
