my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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