Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
