maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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