between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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