Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
