Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
