I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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