Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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