In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
