omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
