i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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