New invention idea: vibrating tampons
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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