First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
