i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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