He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
