Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
