Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
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