no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
