why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Dignity is for republicans.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
