My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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