Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
