Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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