i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
