well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
