I think I died a long time ago.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
