I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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