Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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