Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
