Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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