i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
