I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
