Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
sarcasm needs its own font
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
