discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
