i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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