Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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