It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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