If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
