Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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