My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
