If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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