i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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