i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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