He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
