My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize