i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
