btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
