we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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