At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
