You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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