You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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