I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
