i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
worst night to have a conscience
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
